Her physician told an elderly woman that she had cancer and only had one or two months to live. This unfortunate message was delivered in the presence of the woman's family (daughter, daughter's husband, sister, and six-year-old grandson). Surprisingly, each family member reacted differently to this news.
Elderly woman: Anger, then despondence
Sister: Fear
Daughter: Joy, then guilt
Daughter's husband: Joy
Grandson: Indifference
If events and circumstances control our feelings, then all of these people would have experienced the same feelings. But they didn't. Why not? They didn't experience the same feelings because each family member gave this event a different meaning. The different meanings were as follows:
Elderly woman: "Why me? I never get any breaks." And a few minutes later, "It's all over."
Sister: "I could be next."
Daughter: "My burden will soon be over." Then, "How can I even think that? She's my mother."
Daughter's husband: "I'm getting my wife back."
Six-year-old grandson: "I don't understand all this. When are we going home?"
Use the six steps to happiness explained in this program to keep you from ending up dejected and "beat up" by life. |
Each family member gave this event a different meaning, and because they did, each of them experienced different feelings. The elderly woman experienced anger because of the thoughts: "Why me? I never get any breaks." Her despondency was caused by the thought of dying. The daughter's initial feeling of joy was caused by the thought: "My burden will soon be over." Her guilt was caused by the thoughts: "How can I even think that? She's my mother." The daughter's husband and the six-year-old grandson experienced their feelings because of their thoughts.
What's important to understand is that thoughts cause feelings. If these family members would have had different thoughts they would have experienced different feelings.
For example, if the elderly woman would have thought: "I've had a good life and I still have two more months to enjoy it" she would have likely experienced feelings of contentment and peace of mind. If the daughter's thought was: "This experience has helped me put my life in perspective" she would have likely experienced a feeling of hope because she could now start focusing on the things that were truly important to her.
The point to be made here is that if you can change your thoughts you can change your feelings. This Web site will teach you strategies to change your current way of thinking, if you decide it's necessary, so you can experience more happiness in your life.
The Idea that the events and circumstances do not cause our feelings can be difficult to understand. We will spend a lot of time on this issue. This Web site is devoted to helping you apply this concept to your daily life so you can focus on the things that really make a difference, namely, the meanings you give to the events and circumstances you experience.
By becoming aware of your thoughts and beliefs you will be able to control the feelings you experience.
Imagine being rejected by a loved one and not becoming angry or depressed. Imagine seldom or never being appreciated or respected by your friends, family, or co-workers and not becoming angry or resentful. Imagine doing something you know you shouldn't have done and not feeling guilt. Imagine losing your job and not experiencing anxiety or fear related to your future. Imagine being happy regardless of what people say or do to you. The material on this Web site can help you accomplish this and more.
The key to becoming the master of your life is understanding the following model of human behavior:
EVENT = MEANING = FEELING = BEHAVIOR
We all experience things (EVENT). We then decide what this event means to us based on our past experiences (MEANING). We then experience an emotion based on the meaning we give this event (FEELING). Then we do something based on the feeling (BEHAVIOR).
Although you may currently believe that events cause behaviors, it is the meanings you give these events that cause feelings and consequently your behaviors.
Let me give you another example of how this model works and why I want you to see how important it will be for you to apply this model to your own life whenever you are upset about something.
Two people are walking in the desert and both see a rattlesnake ten feet in front of them. They both hear the rattle of the snake (EVENT). One person stops, then quickly runs in the opposite direction (BEHAVIOR). The other person pauses, takes a few steps closer to the snake to get a better look at it, then slowly backs away (BEHAVIOR). If events caused behavior then both people would have acted in the same way. But they didn't. What explains why each person acted differently?
To understand why, we need to look at the meaning each gave this event. The person who ran away had to be thinking: "It can kill me! I'll be bitten." (MEANING). The person who walked a little closer had to be thinking: "I wonder how big it is? I wonder how many rattles it has?" (MEANING). The first person ran because he/she was afraid. This fear was based on the meaning given the situation. The second person did not run because of the meaning he/she gave the situation. Remember: Meanings cause feelings, which cause people to act in certain ways.
This Web site is designed to help you focus on the meanings you give to the events and circumstances in your life so you can learn to take control of your life. This Web site is designed to teach you how to challenge the meanings you give to the events in your life when the meanings cause you to experience negative emotions and make you feel miserable. This Web site will help you learn how to change the meanings you give to the situations and events in your life when you are experiencing anger, fear, frustration or guilt. This will be done by encouraging you to examine your current beliefs and values, since beliefs and values influence the meanings you give the events in your life. This Web site will help you sort out the meanings you attribute to events and circumstances so that no matter what people say or do to you, you can maintain positive emotions, positive self-esteem, and peace of mind.
 
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